Yuletide Gifts Abound for 2000
by Tom Rathkamp
"O Come All Ye Faithful
Joyful and Triumphant
O Come Ye, O come Ye
To Be-eth-lehem"
 hat more do you
need than Christmas carols to get you into the holiday spirit?
"Silent Night,
Holy Night
All is calm
All is bright"
Absorbing the sounds and melodies of this, our most glorious season of
all, serves double duty as it also procures me into the giving spirit. So
sit back, grab a cup of egg nog (spiked version optional), sneak some
fresh baked Christmas cookies, and bear witness to the gifts I offer to
some of our favorite, but not always adored, sporting characters.
Dan Snyder (Washington Redskins’ snippy little owner) – A new
jar with which to scoop his silver spoon. This jar will contain modesty,
humility, humbleness, and anti-ego serum.
Alex Rodriguez (the latest highest-paid baseball player) – Ah,
forget it. He’ll have everything eventually.
Dennis Green (Minnesota Vikings head coach) – A defense to go
along with Culpepper, Smith, Moss, and Carter. Saint Nick has his work cut
out for him with this one.
Bud Selig (MLB Commish) – For luck, a rabbit’s foot or
four-leaf clover to help him with his near impossible quest to breathe
fiscal sanity into Major League Baseball life.
Shawn Kemp (svelte Portland Trail Blazer) – A treadmill as sturdy
as the Golden Gate Bridge.
Michael Jordan (you know him) – Truth serum (to remind him that
HE left before Phil and Scottie). Oh, and whatever anti-ego serum not used
by Dan Snyder.
Mark Chmura (ex-Green Bay Packer charged with sexual assault) –
Hmm …. He doesn’t need another lawyer. How about a Bible.
Mark Cuban (.DOT owner of the Dallas Mavericks) – A new hobby.
Mike Hampton (new Colorado Rockies pitcher) – Hope for a sub-5.00
ERA in Coors Field. Reminder to Hampton: Rockies’ opponents last
season batted .303 at Coors and .253 away from Coors.
Dan Issel (embattled Denver Nuggets coach) – Retirement.
Grant Hill (injured Orlando Magic player) – A new ankle (but with
the same contract).
Happy New to All !!!!
Any comments, criticisms, or condemnations on
this sports column or previous ones? Feel free to email me at andydan@milwpc.com
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