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The Historic Triumphs of Oral SexBy Jack Nichols
Oral sex among us has been blessed, as I see it, with a prestigious human face: that of the President's. The doomsayers can moan about the current moral state of our nation but the old song, Look for the Silver Lining, encourages this pundit to look back in gratitude and say: "Thank you Monica for having such a big mouth." And thank you, President Clinton, for humanizing oral sex, a simple, natural act much in need of the kind of top notch publicity you and Monica have managed to give it. It's still a criminal act in backwater locales, and I recently heard an 80-year-old Southern Baptist lady I know standing squarely in your corner at a party. She said: "It isn't sex in my religion unless you put it in." She meant "in" in a most specific way. You see, Southern sex can be oddly self-deceptive. According to Florence King's classic, Southern Ladies and Gentlemen, (Ms. King is the world's funniest bisexual Republican) Southern women, in fact, are often self-rejuvenating virgins. And since you are a Southern gentleman, Mr. President, I'd assume you’ve had your own way of dealing with these sex things just like Southern ladies do. I noted, however, that in one speech you referred to your consensual trysts with Monica as "my shame." You and all those other sex-guilty-millions. You're excused though, Bill, because you're a Southern gentleman. And here's why: Ms. King notes of certain Southern ladies:
There were other reasons too, says Ms. King, those given by self-rejuvenating virgins after their holidays. When at home, she notes, this group is goodie-goodie. After vacationing, however, they return home telling themselves "it didn't really happen because:
Every red-blooded Southern hunk-stud in Clinton's day managed—though the receptacles were of any gender and any species—to enjoy watching his dong devoured. Cornholing was also quite prevalent. But that this incorrigible penchant for oral pleasuring should, at the last century’s end, leap onto our national stage in such a fascinating manner—provoking, in fact, a continental catharsis—is what we get for being human. Its commendable what Monica and the President wrought. The human species needs to know that the variety of its sexual behaviors is more common than individual erotic practitioners themselves realize. If oral sex had remained unmentionable—as it once was—or a perversion, which it still is to too many, that great group of needlessly guilty souls activist Bob Kunst calls the Oral Majority would continue to be weighted down with needless guilt. But lo! And behold! Fate knew what the human species still needed to know, that cock-sucking is A-OK, and that a poster boy to give it class would help humanity bigtime. Fate raised up out of Hope, an Arkansas toddler who became President of the United States, "the most powerful man in the world." And as soon as he’d been around a while and everybody knew who he was, Fate chose him—in the Oval Office—for one of the most important presidential tasks of our present day, namely to show all guilty oral-sexers everywhere, homosexual or heterosexual, that even the President, yes, even the President… The oral majority has been taking a collective sigh — after each person "guilty" of oral meandering finds out he or she's not alone, that the President has repeatedly done it too. Now, seeing how self-righteous Republican politicians are chasing after Clinton for something that's their own prized habit, many in the Oral Majority are angry at the Republicans for continuing to publicly persecute this man who simply enjoyed what they too enjoy, though until the President gave their act its class in the Oval Office, not with as much gusto as now. New York Times columnist Frank Rich, honored as one of our great straight allies, said that the fault lines in this battle have remained those that were prevalent in the counterculture rebellion of the 1960s. Richard Nixon, in those days, actually said that eliminating pornography, for example, was every bit as important as the preservation of earth's environment. A fine advocate for philosophy in our time, Richard Rorty (now professoring at Stanford University) tells in Achieving Our Country what right-wingers hated about the 1960s counterculture, something he explains, that the great poet Walt Whitman truly would have loved: "casual, friendly copulation which is insouciant about the heterosexual-homosexual distinction." The counterculture uprising didn't succeed in taking every step to sexuality's utopia. Sure, there were buttons that boasted: "Cunnilingus Spoken Here." And there was a divine epoch—short-lived --of bisexual chic. But these behaviors had only a few real heroes and heroines, known mostly to the in-groups. So you see, oral sex, once regarded as a filthy perversion, never had a poster boy in the 1960s like Bill Clinton has now become some thirty years later. And why is ‘The Coming of Bill Clinton’ the cat's meow? Because he's the president and the self-righteous Republicans think he's disgusting. Such self-righteousness, like the Pied Piper, could lead hysterical Republicans right over their own political cliffs. There are lots of cock-sucking voters—gay and straight--waiting to stone them at home in November. Great steps—like this one furthering America's sexual revolution-- are taken sometimes when we're unaware. Anti-homosexualism is in great part caused by anti-sexualism. Enjoying consensual oral sex or other Kama Sutra possibilities, is like enjoying the fullness of someone's appreciative smile for you, not something, Mr. President, that's "my shame." Sexual guilt easily ruins sexy expressions replacing them with that haunted look. Therefore, humanity's spicy varieties of sensual stimulation—never appreciated, certainly, on FOX News--must be treated like we treat other human differences: as part of the show. And to drive home the continued existence of oral sex to a public which wants desperately to pretend it doesn't exist, well, a two or three-day news story wouldn’t have done the trick. The publicity surrounding actor Hugh Grant, England's pride, lasted little longer than a week. Everybody forgot. Fate, you see, knows how we human beings, just like little kitties and doggies, sometimes need our noses rubbed in things before we learn what they are. This hit home with me when, in the 80s, I saw the first episode of ALF on TV. The furry little alien had just fallen from the skies and was out cold on the coffee table. The little boy asked, "Can we keep him? Huh? Can we?" His mother said no. "Why not? They got to keep ET." "ET was fiction," retorted Mom, "This is real. This is on our coffee table." And so, you see, so is oral sex. As much as the Republicans scream for it to go away, it won't. It went right into the living room, thank you. It was right on the coffee table. No plain brown wrapper. Just the facts, mamm, the marvelously human facts. Lets hope the Oral Majority is able to de-throne the GOP’s lunatic-loser Re-Puritans. Instead of bemoaning blow jobs given to Bill Clinton, or the porno menace once feared by Dick Nixon, which issues ought to matter most as we look to the future? Earth's survival. Here. Now. And how kindliness and ecological earthiness matter more than elitist ideologies. Even so, our awareness grows. One useful understanding we're already gaining—thanks to Monica, Bill and an understanding Hillary: is knowing—as a people-- that non-rational oral orgasming among even the most uniquely positioned members of our hormone-driven species isn't likely to bring the world to an overly abrupt end— that is if only that Pervert Pope will agree to OK oral sex to hold population growth at bay and maybe even advertise flavored condoms on FOX News or something.
READ JACK'S COLUMN FROM LAST WEEK Jack Nichols is Senior Editor at GayToday www.gaytoday.badpuppy.com. Jack Nichols is also the author of Men's Liberation: A New Definition of Masculinity (Penguin); Welcome to Fire Island: Visions of Cherry Grove & the Pines (St. Martin's Press); and is co-author with Lige Clarke of I Have More Fun With You Than Anybody (St. Martin's Press); and Roommates Can't Always Be Lovers: An Intimate Guide to Male/Male Relationships (St. Martin's Press)
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richard e. schiff,
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ollowing the
recent GOP convention I realized how sick and tired I’d become
listening to Republican moralists refer stealthily to Bill Clinton’s
trysts with Monica. They’d utterly failed to appreciate the full
grandeur—the finer meanings of Oral Sex in the Oval Office.
